Troubles
I am troubled. I haven’t been in this much emotionally trouble in years. And being as I am a woman it most definitely is about a man. Not just any man, but a man 16 years younger. I have no idea of what it is I like about this man, but I do. When I think about the men in the past that I have been attracted to he has none of the physical attributes that I’ve looked for. If he has an ass I can’t tell, not because he wears baggie pants, but he is small. I can’t discern the size of his pecks, because his shirts are not defining. The only attributes that he does have is his hands, now I like a man with large hands, strong hands.
What is it about this man? My day can be in the shits, and he walks by, speaks and my whole day just gets better. I find myself going out of my way to put myself in his path. And Lord, help me if he touches me my nipples stand at a quick attention. When I walk into this man unexpectedly I don’t make any sense. The words that come out of my mouth surely do not belong to a mature woman, who isn’t shy about the things she wants. But when I’m around him all I can do is blabber.
Once when I was a way from my work area for almost a month, at another job site, I couldn’t wait to get back. And when I did, the very first person I walked into was him. I boldly asked did he miss me, did he knew I was gone, and was he worried that I wasn’t coming back? Yes to all those. So then I asked why didn’t ask where I was, he said he didn’t put his personal business in the street. I soared all day, I was personal business.
I don’t flirt with him like I do with men I’m not really interested in. I’m a damn good flirt, but really I just be playing with them. But when I like someone I get shy, too scared to put my feelings out there. What happens if he rejects my advances? I get scared that I have misread all the signals wrong. Then I get scared that I maybe I missed some signal. Mom taught me that women do not chase men, men chase women, and I do like to be pursued- but damn he taking the long way around.
So what do I do now? Continue this lust in my heart? Take the bull by the horn?, or just let this go. 16 years is a lot of years, hell that’s another whole generation. My friend Louise tells me, to go for it. That is so easy for her to say. There is a phrase from Maya Angelou poem “Phenomenal Woman” ….”I am not cute or built to suit a fashion model size” That’s my way of saying I am a thick woman, whereas Louise could be a model. But we all have our hang-ups. I want go into hers, but let’s just say I’ve had three sons, and my breast could stand to be rest. That worries me more than anything. How do you undress in front of someone who probably is used to younger firmer bodies? I know that I have just jumped the gun on this; he might not even want to see me undress. What if we do go out I can see him getting carded. He is 33, but I swear the man looks like he is in his early twenties; I carded him myself in the break room. See I’ve got some serious issue going on here. What is we do decide to date, then I introduced him to my 28 year old son, hell I’m old enough to be his mother. But trust me I have no motherly thoughts when it comes to him. See I told you some serious issues going on here.
Nothing but trouble- I have no idea what I’m going to do. All I know is I need to get out of this one way or another.
